Vulnerability

This weekend I let myself get a little overexcited. I might have mentioned last time that we have now accepted an offer on our house. So far everything sounds promising, buyers ready to move forward with a mortgage already approved on a house purchase that fell through and no chain. However it’s early days. Anyway given the awful weather this weekend we found ourselves driving round the countryside looking at areas we could potentially move to in the future.

Next thing I know we’re walking around a show house. Not just any old show house. My dream house. (My new dream house anyway given that the first one is currently slipping through my fingers!)

Cue my obsessive mind…

Now I didn’t think we’d be in a position to get a mortgage given the financial position we found ourselves in after Finns stroke. We’ve picked ourselves back up and once the house is gone we’re going to be absolutely fine. But 18 months of reduced mortgage payments doesn’t look good on your credit file. Our plan therefore was to rent and recover before buying somewhere. To my surprise however the mortgage lender attached to the building company thought there might be a chance.

So today I found myself pulling out paperwork, downloading detailed credit reports and evidencing our insurance income and Finns disability benefits to see if we can find an underwriter who looks past the ink on the page to the circumstances that led us here.

Now I’m trying not to get my hopes up. I know there’s a strong chance that tomorrow they will come back to me with bad news. We have a back up plan. Well actually we have the original plan- to rent and recoup for a while. But when you find a home that just seems so perfect with the promise of a fresh start- a place we can finally relax, rebuild our lives and maybe even start a family- it’s hard not to get invested.

There was a moment or two when I saw the house and then again when I didn’t get an automatic “no chance” from the mortgage advisors that I let myself feel hopeful and excited. I let my imagination run away with me and envisaged us in that house together. That’s when reality hit and the pain of the last 2 years slammed the brakes on. Negativity barged it’s way to the forefront of my mind and I felt that gut wrenching feeling of loss. Not that I’ve actually had it in the first place to lose.

That would all be courtesy of my anxiety. There’s been a torrent of bad luck in our family lately so it’s difficult to imagine sometimes that something can go right. Surely there’s far too many pieces of the puzzle in this case that need to fit together for it to actually happen. I try to remind myself to stay positive. I’ve done yoga and had a soak in the bath with a glass of wine. Hasn’t worked though. My mind is still running a mile a minute playing through every possible scenario. Definitely going to need some lavender oil to help me sleep tonight!

The hardest part of this is that it makes me feel vulnerable. I’ve let myself be hopeful and excited. This could be our fresh start which would mean we could just focus on each other and the rest of our lives rather than worrying about where we are going to live next month or next year. It’d mean no more debt, a better lifestyle, freedom to move on. One phone call tomorrow could take all that away. Therein lies the vulnerability. I guess it’s a good thing that I believe the best things happen when you allow yourself to believe that they can.

P.s I know it’s not the end of the world and it’s definitely one of the more minor problems we’ve had to deal with given Finns health. It would be nice if things worked out the way we wanted to for once though… wish us luck.